How Not to Say the Wrong Thing (Part 3)
I read this piece yesterday by a therapist named Tim Lawrence, and I thought of all the people in my life who struggled to say or do something helpful to me after my diagnosis, or who said nothing because they didn't know what to say. It is about grief, and grief is exactly the emotion that I felt at that time. I grieved for my lost health, for my happy life, for everything that I knew I would have to give up to cancer. Grief is scary, and though I was disappointed I understood why some people stayed away or stayed silent. I had failed to reach out to those in grief before, out of fear of saying the wrong thing. But now I know the truth about grief, and it goes like this:
Our culture treats grief like a problem to be solved or an illness to be healed. We’ve done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. So that now, when you’re faced with tragedy, you usually find that you’re no longer surrounded by people — you’re surrounded by platitudes.
So what do we offer instead of “everything happens for a reason”? The last thing a person devastated by grief needs is advice. Their world has been shattered. Inviting someone — anyone — into their world is an act of great risk. To try to fix, rationalize, or wash away their pain only deepens their terror.
Instead, the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. To literally say the words: I acknowledge your pain. I’m here with you. Not I'm here for you. For implies that you’re going to do something. That’s not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, to do everything but something is incredibly powerful. There is no greater act for others than acknowledgement. And that requires no training, no special skills — just the willingness to be present and to stay present, as long as is necessary.
Be there. Only be there. Don’t leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you’re not doing anything. In fact, it’s when you feel uncomfortable and like you’re not doing anything that you must stay.
Because it’s in those places — in the shadows of horror we rarely allow ourselves to enter — where the beginnings of healing are found. This healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs these people.
From The Adversity Within by Tim Lawrence (www.timjlawrence.com).
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