Happy Cancerversary

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Two years ago today, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember it like it was yesterday - taking the call from my OB-GYN, the deep sorrow in his voice, the tears that came instantly and wouldn't stop, reaching for my four-month-old baby and holding him while I wept. I remember the shock, the fear, the frustration, the sense of injustice, the sadness. I remember it all with the utmost clarity, but today I feel only happiness that I made it through.

It's too soon to say that I've beaten cancer, and in fact it will always be too soon to say that - there is no milestone at which I can be sure that it won't recur. That possibility will be with me for the rest of my life, however long or short it might be. But I believe that I gave myself the strongest possible chance, and I am now well on the other side of the fight. All I can do now is live the best life that I can. That tiny baby whose downy little head once was wet with my tears is now a boy, full of his own thoughts and feelings. All I have to do is look at his face, his clear eyes and his heartstoppingly beautiful smile, and I know what I am living for.

I've been thinking a lot lately about Seth. In the ten years we've been together, we've been through so much: health issues, pregnancy issues, professional issues, family issues. And then I got cancer. It's really not what anyone signed up for. People don't say this, but the truth is there is only one thing worse than having cancer, and that is loving someone who has cancer. But through it all, Seth has been by my side, unflappable, unflinching, unfailing. Ike has been my motivation, but Seth has been my partner in cancer as he is my partner in life - my hands when I was tired, my voice when I couldn't speak, my heart when mine was broken. Last year on this day I was focused on myself and sustaining my painfully slow crawl to the finish line of cancer treatment. This year I think of him: my victory is as much his as it is mine.


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