How Not to Say The Wrong Thing

A common theme in my support group - and in every cancer support group in the world, I would imagine - is disappointment/anger/shock/horror at the insensitive reactions of others to our diseases. Clinical psychologist Susan Silk experienced this first-hand as a breast cancer patient, which led her to go on to develop what she called the Ring Theory. This is how she describes it in a wonderful LA Times op-ed:

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma...Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma...Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order.

Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring. 

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings. When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you're going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn't, don't say it. Don't, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don't need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, "I'm sorry" or "This must really be hard for you" or "Can I bring you a pot roast?" Don't say, "You should hear what happened to me" or "Here's what I would do if I were you." And don't say, "This is really bringing me down." 

If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that's fine. It's a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring. 

Comfort IN, dump OUT.

I think most people most people instinctively understand this concept, but they get nervous when they come face-to-face with a hard reality, and what comes out of their mouths isn't always what they intend. And of course, some people are just jerks. I've been lucky, I guess, for I haven't had anything too horrible said to me (it probably helps that I haven't talked with many people in my outer rings about my illness). Many people don't know exactly what to say and are afraid of saying the wrong thing, and I don't blame them as I've certainly felt that way before in the past. But since my diagnosis I've learned that any genuine expression of love or support, even as simple and conventional a sentiment as "thinking of you", means a lot. That's a lesson I hope never to forget, even when my time in the center ring is up.

Read the complete op-ed here.